There are things that need no thought nor pondering. It's a cliche. For others it's a universal truth. There are things in this world that should be done without reflection or further thought. No need for analysis whatsoever---just jump into it---it would be of your best interest anyway. An example that anyone would have produced to satisfy the definition given in this statement is love.

John Perez, my blockmate said to me, "Love needs no pondering, nor thought. Once you feel it, it'll direct you to the places you are meant to go to." I said, "If that's what you accept to be true, then there will be no wars. There would be no insurgencies. No fights. Everything would be perfect. And John, if that was true, then nobody in this world would have shed a tear for their heartaches." He looked at me and said, "You think too much, Miles." I did not think of a retort for that statement, neither did I plan to stick a smart ass answer up his nose. I just nodded and I said, "I know."

I am a person who needs thought...I am addicted to it. This I am fully aware of. Some people may not see it, but I actually am. This roots from my fear of failure. I know I make mistakes. I err. I fail. And that makes me human. But proving my humanity through my 'ability' and capability to make mistakes hurts worse than an acid burn. Sure, one may say that everybody makes mistakes and they give you opportunities for self-improvement. But let's face the damn truth. Nobody wants to fail. Nobody wants to err. Nobody wants to make mistakes. Many mistakes from my past were committed because I made wrong decisions due to lack of thought. The errors were there because I 'jumped right in'. When I go back to these memories, I always think of the way that situation would have been if I thought about it first. That's why if I think before I act on things, I feel confidence and a certain strength. I seem to draw strength from thinking.

My personality assessment test (courtesy of the College Guidance office) said that my extreme preference to the Intellectual polarity causes me to overanalyze---and I end up being heartless most of the time. I disregard what I feel. And so I came to realize that my fear of error may be my motivation for my actions...but it is not the real one. It all boils down to my fear of experiencing pain. You can't blame me. My mantra is not "pain is good". It never will be. I am scared of feeling not physical pain but rather emotional and psychological pain. Thinking may give me a feeling of strength, but true strength it isn't.

I know it's wrong to lean against something that's false. This is something that'll collapse under my wieght very easily at any given time. I am fully aware of this, but ironically, I continue to lean on this fort of false strength that I have created around me. For me, this is better than to feel the thing that I'm trying to keep at bay.

The wall around me was created because of the fear of love, or rather the fear of the pain that always accompanies it.

Honestly, when this wall collapses, I don't know what I'll do.

Maybe I'll rebuild it painstakingly.
Maybe I'll leave the pieces at my feet.


Make this wall collapse.

If you are like the others that have tried, I'll rebuild this wall with every tear that I held back, with every word that was left ununttered and with every emotion left unexpressed.

But if you're worth it, I'll leave the pieces at my feet...
and I'll even leave the rubble behind to go with you.


"Love needs no pondering, nor thought. Once you feel it, it'll direct you to the places you are meant to go to."

~~~~
senti mode muna bago botany.