I spun my head around.
I've been doing this for quite sometime now..and I didn't really like it.
well...at least I thought I didn't.

I hated searching for somebody...especially if i've been doing this for a long time.
I feel irritated at the thought that he/she makes me find him...and I take it as a cruel joke though I know very well that in some circumstances, it wasn't the person's fault that I'm looking for him/her.

But this time...
I felt different.
No pang of irritation settled. No evil urge to bash something into bits.

Instead, I was excited I was searching.
I didn't care if my head was to be thrown out from its socket because of the excessive swiveling action.

I just wanted to find him.
I really wanted to see him.
Or take a quick glance at him at the very least.

I've been looking around the place for about half a day.
ever since I arrived, I began to look for him. at first I was enthusiastic about the whole thing.
i began to imagine the ecstatic feeling I would get just by finding him.
but the difficulty of the task was beggining to eat up my enthusiasm.
at about after lunch, I began to think of abandoning my search.

Dammit. I cursed under my breath.
There was a sea of people there. It would be quite to meet him because everyone's moving.
You can't see a person there stay in one place.
Just when I was about to give up, I saw his locks---for it was the easiest thing to spot in him---cross my path. He was looking at where he's going, apparently not noticing my presence at all. I felt a violent tug in my stomach. my respiration suddenly became shallow but I hadn't noticed it at all until I saw my chest's abnormal motion.
at seeing him walking towards me, I let the rising feeling of happiness take over my system for 30 seconds, then I immediately sealed it in. What I really wanted to do is to smile until the muscles in my face cramped.
I felt what I did was SOP.
I was happy to see him..but I felt I wasn't allowed to show it.
Because it was for my own good.
It was for my protection.

Gritting my teeth, I looked away and I started to run.
what am I to do? we had someplace to go, and he wasn't with us.
I just had to let him be.
Seal in what I felt, then let him be.
it would be better.

we arrived at our destination quite quickly because we ran. we were instructed to so not to waste any time.
we listened to various speakers and their speeches.
then things suddenly became a bit boring.
I yawned numerous times and it dawned to me that maybe at least fifty people follwed suit.
Then from out of nowhere, he came to my mind.
I saw his face. His locks that compliment his face shape.
His small but sure smile that you might want to see every single day of your life.
His thin, tall frame that seemed strong though he looked frail.

Then I suddenly realized what I was doing.
I was daydreaming.
Freakin daydreaming.

I allowed my brain to comprehend what it was doing.
Then it decided to take action by shutting it down immediately.
When it was gone, I felt an uncomfortable feeling taking over my chest.
It was too uncomfortable that I had to crouch over to hold my stomach in with my hands.
When I breathed out, a wisp of air came out that sounded like a shudder.

I just decided to dismiss the occurences, but I knew that there was something.
Sometime after the lecture, he popped in my mind again.
Then like it used to do, my brain swept it away like a nasty virus.

then came the night that everyone was waiting for.
I too, was excited though I know that my body would be wasted after the activity.

It was then I decided to look for him again. my brain started to bring back pieces of information about my search earlier that day.
it seemed like it was trying to stop me.
But I knew I had to. I knew I wanted it.

My brain just couldn't protest anymore.
For once I just blocked out its warnings.
Everywhere I would go, my head would swivel back and forth.
No pang of irritation.
Just plain old me looking for someone.

again, just like my search earlier, i felt like giving up.
I realized that my brain was right. I should have stopped the silly search and went on with my life.

not did I realized that what I was looking for was right under my nose.
he was directly in front of me.
Instantly, my heart sprang up, but the brain stabs it hard for the heart is not supposed to be let out in this form.
another set of sealed emotions.

when I took him away from my sight, a realization hit hard.

is this really what I want?
am I really this automatic when it comes to sealing what I feel?
why do I keep myself from feeling and be...human?
is feeling this way a virus to be shut down by my brain?

but not long after my self-interrogation, my brain dismissed my thoughts and returned to it usual job of sealing things in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
as i finish this entry, I felt the urge to delete it.
to press backspace until a white background remains.

but I realized that I must recognize this time that I allowed my heart drown out the cries of protest coming from my brain.
and this entry is its proof.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*ehem*