Yesterday, I generally had a fine day. It felt like an ordinary day, and there wasn't anything big that would piss me off.

BUT WHY DID I HAVE TO CUSS OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE?

I cussed in front of an old lady, a group of high school students and and to make it worse, in front of the building of my church [hey, it wasn't the 'holiness' of the place I'm concerned about, it's the fact that maybe some of my churchmates were there also waiting for a ride home. ].

And it wasn't any swear word, take note. I said p*t*ng *na.

As I was going down from the jeep, the contents of my file case plopped down in one stack on the wet concrete [it was raining yesterday]. Then it seemed that my fine day crumbled. At that moment, p*t*ng *na came out from my mouth like when I was an expert...complete with the stress in some letters [especially with the 'p' and the 'na' syllable] and pissed off tone. It came from the top of my head, without thought. Then I hurriedly picked up the papers [which were not damaged that much] and stuffed them back in my file case. When the file case clicked close, I looked around and I saw the face of the old lady beside me. She looked like she has seen something dreadful and unholy. Like she has seen a human corpse being dragged by a truck on the street. Then I shifted my eyes and looked at the group of high school students. They were half-smiling and half-shocked. Well, that wasn't that much of a strong reaction, but god. The old lady's eyes were killing me. She made feel like I wouldn't live another day. Then I asked myself, "Where am I?". Then the thought hit home. I was in front of our church building. I was about to look for churchmates around when the traffic light flashed an otherwordly red [at least that's what it appeared to my eyes]. I forgot about my search. I briskly walked and crossed the street, in an attempt to forget the old lady's look and the embarrassment of the situation.

As I was in the tricycle, I thought of how I behaved that time.
I tried to think of the reason why of all the swear words to say, i said p*t*ng *na.
Well, maybe I've been hearing these words a lot the past months. Everywhere. In school. In the pneys I ride home. In the streets. Heck, even the street children in the overpass say these words.

Hearing this often made me miss saying it---it made me miss the satisfaction of releasing the anger [or in some cases, humor] I feel through saying it. And honestly, it was very, very difficult to fight the urge to say it whenever a crappy situation arises. And here it went. Because I was contemplating to use those words, it came out without hesitation.

I also realized of the way that I was concerned with the old lady and the people who heard me and to the fact that I was standing in front of our church building. I knew that I wasn't supposed to be concerned of how other people thought of me, nor where I am. I must be concerned of not sinning...of not displeasing the One above. It felt like I reacted the wrong way...instead of asking forgiveness from God right away, I was compelled to look around for the reactions of the people around me. They were strangers, and they would probably forget about the whole thing. They would probably make small talk about it. But God knows me personally, and so I must be concerned of how He thinks of me.

Tsk. Maling reaksyon talaga.

Haaay. Sorry po talaga Lord. Hindi na po mauulit.