there are these things that hit me like a a battering ram during this day....
they made me realize painfully some things that i wished i never realized..

that life would be better without me knowing them and seeing them as the painful reality in my world.

i felt helpless..circumstances beat me to a heap...i realized and felt that everything that i thought that i controlled, knew and held was never under my control, i never knew them and they were beyond my grasp.
though these realizations were very heavy, nothing affected my decision. nothing affected what i felt. nothing made me change my mind.
"hindi na ako matuturuan. kaya wag mo ng ipagpilitan." i said in a frank manner. i had to do that, mind you.

I will not love you, can't love you and never will.

so,you said you'd wait. you said he doesn't love me..nor talk to me. so why him?

so what if he doesn't love me? so what if the last time we spoke was september of 2004? so what if he loves somebody else?
unlike you, i have long passed the phase wherein someone hopes and prays that something will happen between her and the person she loves...like something will flourish and will leavethem with two decisions..to either love each other or stay quiet for the rest of their lives.

I HAVE PASSED THAT PHASE. YOU STILL HAVEN'T. PLEASE GROW UP. PASS THIS PHASE. END MY SUFFERING. END YOURS. don't wait you'll waste your time. you'll be wasting my life worrying.

you may say i'm stupid. you may say that i am crazy for holding on to one guy that has no hope of loving me back.
stupid. crazy. that's what i am.

what about you? any suggestions on what to call you? how about IRRITABLY PERSISTENT? would you consider SELFISH? would that work for you?

i may be shaken by the things i realized and the things i heard from you.

but hear this.

nothing changes my desision. my mindset. my time. my feelings. my life.

shaken, but not stirred.